So lately I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what some of my earliest memories are just for the hell of it. Luckily for you, I’ve racked my brain, & this is one that I’ve come up with:
I was four or five at the time, and my Mom was taking me out to lunch with my Aunt. I can’t specifically recall if it was Denny’s or Ground Round, but the kid’s menu most definitely came with a prize. Now I know what you’re thinking: One of these dinky-ass toys that you get from McDonald’s or Burger King. NO. It was a majestic piece of Carmen San Diego greatness. This was going to elevate my spy game to the next level. I was going to be so undercover, you wouldn’t even REALIZE I was a spy. Am I just some ordinary kid walking down the street doing normal ordinary kid shenanigans? NOPE! I am actually more badass than Harriet the Spy, sleuthin it up left & right. So what was this great piece of art disguised as a toy? It was a small camera. My god, guys I wish you could see the way it is so perfectly painted in my brain right this moment. It was yellow & black. It had a wristlet like telephone wire so you could wear it & never lose it. So you could bring it everywhere a great detective would need it, because secretly, it didn’t even take pictures, secretly, IT WAS BINOCULARS, and get this, your eyes were the real cameras. So deep. So poetic. Oh man, Ground Rounds understood my tiny Sherlockian soul.
The second this camera was placed in my hands I knew adventures were about to began. I knew my life was going places. I was about to embark on some journey of greatness. I understood my calling! I knew I couldn’t take my eyes off this camera because something great was about to happen. I analyzed every angle to it as I exited the restaurant. My Mom and my Aunt chirped away about things I knew were meaningless as I walked holding the key to my new career.. then…..then….. then……
then I walked into a parked car and, in turn, knocked myself unconscious because I was too busy staring at a freakin toy camera instead of paying attention to where I was walking. Thanks, Mom for being my lookout on that one (I know you’re laughing while reading this, it’s okay. I forgive you.)